When we modulate our own emotions as a way to help others manage theirs, it’s called emotion co-regulation. For teachers and parents of adolescents, it’s a powerful tool.
I can tell by the look on her face that Abi’s having a hard day. She avoids my eyes, ignores my greeting, and slumps into her seat. She fiddles with her phone and drops her head onto the desk. Earbuds in, head down, she shuts me out.
At moments like this in my high school classroom, I have a choice. I can react with irritation and demands, or I can take a more measured approach.
When James walks in a few class periods later, he’s agitated and doesn’t want to sit. He paces, pulls at his hair, and looks around with bleary eyes.
Later in the day, Ricky comes in waving around his water bottle, announcing to me and to everyone, “I swear if anyone says anything to me, I’ll knock them out!”
On days like this, which are not unusual, I know that issuing orders like “Take out those earbuds, sit down, be quiet!” would make everything worse. In moments like these I’ve learned that if I regulate my own emotions—my irritation, frustration, or impatience—I can help my students regulate theirs.
What is emotion co-regulation?
When we modulate our own emotions as a way to help others manage theirs, it’s called emotion co-regulation. For teachers and parents of adolescents, it’s a powerful tool. The Center for Whole-Child Education at ASU reports that “Co-regulation practices in the classroom set up students of all ages to develop and practice self-regulation.”
When students come into my classroom distressed, agitated, or angry, they don’t need a scolding; they need teaching. They need a calm adult who will model and teach them how to manage their emotions in a productive way. So I give them a minute. I take a minute myself. As Laurie Desautels of Butler University puts it, “It takes a calm brain to calm another brain.”
What does co-regulation look like in the classroom?
Teachers are on the front lines of a crisis in adolescent mental and behavioral health. My students struggle with anxiety and depression, eating disorders, and sleep disorders. They contend with a mix of academic pressure, social stressors, family issues, and trauma that can overwhelm them and cause them to shut down or act out. With co-regulation, instead of reacting, I try to respond with intention.
So I might say to Abi, “You seem down. I’m going to get class started and then I’ll come check on you and see how I can help.”
I might say to James, “Do you need to stand in the back for a minute? Why don’t you do that and come sit down when you feel a little better.”
And to Ricky, “Hey, take a little walk. When you come back you can drink some of that water and tell me why you’re upset.”
Later, when their emotions aren’t running as high, I’ll speak quietly with each student to help them identify what they’re feeling, offer some support and perspective, and guide their focus back to their schoolwork.
How does co-regulation help kids?
Researchers from Stanford and the University of Southern California report that “brain development and the learning it enables are directly dependent on social-emotional experience.”
A few minutes of quiet, some movement, a drink of water, and a compassionate adult speaking calmly can diffuse a tense situation and make kids feel better. They learn that strong feelings are normal and that there are acceptable ways to manage them. And when they feel better, their brains are more primed for academic learning.
The Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning reports that social-emotional learning practices such as emotion co-regulation lead to:
- Stronger social and emotional skills
- Greater academic performance
- Healthier behaviors
- Safer schools
- Better lifetime outcomes
Understanding and managing our emotions are basic life skills; it’s hard to function without them. I can’t fix all the mental health and social issues that affect my students and cause their distress. I’m just one teacher. But I can practice co-regulation. I can work on keeping myself calm in stressful situations, tempering my emotions so that my students can learn to temper theirs. Co-regulation helps me, and it helps them too.
For more information, watch this video: Co-Regulation: What it is and Why it Matters
The author, Michelle Macias, is a K-12 teacher in Tucson, Arizona and staff writer at Phoenix Therapists’ Hub. She frequently writes about mental health in schools.